A Sylvie Lin Jing tale, How does a chinese mother in law spoil the child of a mixed marriage ?

Mixed marriage

A Randy Flagg tale

I don’t understand how Chinese married couples can deal with their in laws. I mean, from what I see, one’s own parents are hard enough to deal with.

To deal with another set of parents seems like you are just asking for trouble.

I‘ve heard stories of Chinese wives who move in with their husband’s mother in law and become almost like automatons, bowing to the every whim, and every wish of the mother in law.

That’s why in America we make it a point to limit in law visits to only once every 6 to 12 months on average. The point of getting married for people like me is to start a family of one’s own, not to extend it.

It is a separate entity unto itself; although it does recognize in laws and grandparents, however, in the long run they have little input on decision making. I agreed to marry my wife because I loved her, but I didn’t agree to marry her parents.

Let me give you an example. Here’s my situation.

My wife is 5 and half months pregnant and we have moved to a nice home in Pudong. She works fulltime at a fortune top ten company.

This equals lots of stress. We have both decided that I will stay at home, write, and take care of the baby. It is pivotal that I establish my responsibility and reliability to take care of her and the child.

My wife decided to call her mother to help her with moving. In American culture this is not uncommon. But I think most American families as a whole, understand that if the wife’s in laws come to help, they are there to assist and not to take over; doing so undermines the husband’s role.

Sylvie Lin Jing Mom

Yesterday I spent 12 hours unpacking and distributing the contents of over 60 boxes while they went to the hospital, and to visit friends. By the time they returned, the new apartment was pristine.

I was exhausted. I had polished every piece of furniture, set up the two home theaters, unpacked the clothes, and found places for the boxes.

I went out and bought plants and rugs for the rooms and placed them accordingly, cleaned the bathrooms, made up the beds.

I respectfully left a big job for her mother to do, and that was to clean and wax the floors and to set up the kitchen. When I was finished it looked like a modern day western apartment.

 

Mixed baby

By the end of the next day everything that I did had become undone; making the last 12 hours that I spent insignificant. They took everything out and reordered everything. My mother in law was complaining all the way through. My job as an house husband had failed.

To my wife, her mother’s word is God. To her mother, for me to do this job was unfathomable. I don’t hate my mother in law; in fact, I admire her, and I aspire to follow in some of her attributes. She’s great in spurts. But in American culture lines are drawn, and I think that the difference is that in Chinese culture there are no lines.

My mother in law has imposed that she will come in October when the baby is due. She wants to stay for 5 months. In my culture this is unheard of, that is unless the father has run off, of which I haven’t done.

I have extensive experience in taking care of children, even more than my wife. When the baby is born I am quite sure that once again I will be made redundant.

In American culture it is quite uncommon for the mother in law to stay for 5, 4, or even one month. My wife is convinced that she will be too weak to take care of herself and the child. She is convinced that she will need her mother. I believe that her mother will only get in the way. I understand a Chinese mother’s sense to be needed.

But in an American’s view. Five months is overbearing.

My wife and I often go to visit her Chinese friends who have recently given birth. I always see the in laws lingering about in the apartment. It reminds me of that phrase… ‘Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth’. I have one. Too many parents in the house spoil the child.